Human Candy

I just gave the dogs peppermint candies. I wonder if this will harm them in any way. Hopefully not. I once gave Dyllan a runt candy and she is still alive.

We just got in from a short cold time outside of playing fetch with the flying squirrel. Let me tell you, it is cold! I think it might be 10 but it feels like it is below zero. When oh when is spring coming? I am going to move to an island if I don't soon see some movement towards spring in the near future.

Doggie.....

It was an interesting visit to the vet today. I felt like a bit of a trader. I went to the new animal hospital just outside town. I decided I wanted a second, or rather third opinion on the status of Dyllan's leg. She hasn't been limping but every once and awhile she catches it wrong and cries and she doesn't like to jump up on anything. Being the great, responsible parent that I am and not wanting to hurt her for the long run- I took her in.

Now as nice and swanky as the place was I had to wait for over an hour to be seen. I thought that only happened in human doctor's offices but I guess I was mistaken. Anyway, the vet came in and she looked at the x-rays from Italy. I explained where we were at the present and then she started examining Dyllan. She was very interested in her spine, the mobility and the tenderness of various areas. She would press on different place and I really didn't realize what was going on. I guess because I didn't know that doggie chiropractic care existed. Who knew????? Dyllan was getting not only an exam but an adjustment.

It took the vet saying to me, "Don't go climb any mountains, she just got adjusted." I didn't want to sound completely dumb so I waited to ask my question to the tech. When she came back in I said in a quiet voice, " Is she a chiropractor?" Yes she is was the answer. Which prompted me to then ask " Is she a vet as well?" I was reassured and off I went to pay my bill. Dyllan relaxed the rest of the day and was also started on low dose baby ASA 81mg and will be going in for another checkup/ adjustment in a few weeks. Hummmm....I will try this and see if I see a noticeable difference. What would Christian say if he was here to comment? I have a feeling I already know.

The Oscars

Grady and I watching the Oscars. It was so long that it became very boring. I gave up right before the announcement of Best Picture. Oh well. Red seemed to be the hot color.

Still thinking.....

I kind of figured that sort of thing might happen. Either people are worried that they have said these things to me and are upset or people are afraid to talk with me now lest they slip up and say something that will upset me. I have received a few comments asking for some direction of how to approach talking with me. As I am learning my life anew, I do not have any advice for those on the the outside. The only thing I can give you the reader are some things that have really spoken to me over the months.

First and foremost (besides my family and Christian's- that goes without saying) my friends in Italy and the people in my husband's company were amazing immediately. Not only with the hugs, food, meals and house cleaning but they were there for me at the drop of a hat for anything and everything. Out in Wisconsin, a couple gave me a gift bag of toys and chews for my dogs. That was perfect. They understood how important my pups are to me. When I arrived home I had a package from a dear friend with new pj's and fuzzy socks. Things that provide comfort. This past Valentine's Day, even though I wasn't celebrating, I received a package from another dear friend that contained candy, fashion magazines with her own person comments on stickies and beauty products. She wrote in her card she remembered what an amazing gift giver Christian was and no one could ever take his place but she wanted to cheer me up a bit. Then there are the people that just allow me to try and function like a normal person. Whatever that looks like at this point......

I guess what I am trying to get at is all day long, every day I already recognize that I have had a horrible tragedy. I am living it personally and daily. Most people who me or my family all know and are aware of this as well. I just want to be able to go out and greet people and do my activities of daily life without people constantly bringing to the fore front of every conversation my personal stability. I was so thankful when I went to the Pear Tree and was able to shop and talk with the store's owner about cards and gift bags. That may sound silly but the human soul and mind can only take so much. If I want to talk about how I am feeling I will. That is all I have on that subject for the time being.

On a different note, a personal message. J., you know who you are. I have received your comments and I was so sad for you even though I don't personally know you. I have thought a lot about what you asked me and I would like to email you personally. If you could leave me your email address on my blog and I will write you back. Don't worry only I will get it since I moderate my comments.

Pondering

Pondering. That is what I seem to do a lot now a days. As you can tell if you have been a regular on my blog site, I have stopped writing about Christian, how I am feeling and how I am doing. Is that because I have healed and moved on. No, not in the least bit. In fact it seems to get harder as the time marches on. The reality of being along is reinforce each and every day with every decision that has to be made. As I have talked to some of the other wives they too agree that it is much harder now then immediately after the accident.

But that is not the topic I would like to discuss today. Widowhood. Such a horrible word. Everything around it seems dark and depressing. When you become a widow the world starts watching, especially when you are young. Literally, I feel like everywhere I go, if there are people that I know or who know me because they know my family, I feel like they are watching me. In counseling today I told the social worker that I felt like a bad car accident. You know the kind I am talking about. The ones that are really bad, that completely slow down traffic and you can tell from a distance that the wreckage is bad and bloody but as you get closer you just have to look and comment. You say things to the others in the car things like, " I wonder if they are hurt", " How badly are they injured?" "I am so glad that is not us. Five minutes earlier and we could have been involved." "What are they going to do, their car is totaled."
You have done it. I have done it. I also knew of a young woman who lost her husband in a bad motorcycle accident about 2 months before Christian died. She had young children. It was sudden, unexpected and horrible. I didn't know her but I remember being very sad for her and wondering how you get through something like that and at the time I was honestly happy that it wasn't me. But here I am today. Not the one looking in but the one inside.
Which leads me to my next almost pet peeve about widowhood and death. Death makes people uncomfortable. Nobody likes it and nobody wants to live with the reprecussions of sadness, loneliness, and complete devastation that death leaves in its wake. Everyone wants answers, especially those directly involved. I want an answer. It seems so unfair. But to those who are on the outskirts looking in, death makes them uncomfortable and makes people do and say stupid, non-comforting things. And for some reason christians seem especially good at saying pat, trite things that sound biblical and it would seem would be comforting but are not. Like for instance these are some of my favorites that have actually been said or written to me by people of all religious backgrounds:

-I'm praying for you. (Well why now? Were you praying for Christian and I before this happened? Are you really praying for me daily like you claim to because I have said that in the past and not followed through but it sounded good at the time)
-You will see him again some day. (Well, that really sucks in the here and now. I wanted to make more then 16 months worth of memories)
-At least you know he is not in pain. (Good for him but how does that make me feel better.)
-You should be thankful you knew Christian was saved and is in heaven, my dad died suddenly and wasn't saved and I know he is in hell. (I don't even know where to begin on that one. How could you make such a harsh judgement of your own father's heart and write that to a complete stranger.)
-I know what you are going through I lost a brother...sister...father/mother, aunt, uncle ect....the pain will lessen in time. (Well, you don't know what I am going through or what I am feeling. I lost my spouse suddenly and traumatically. That is completely different then any other type of loss. I would never belittle your loss by trying to make it like mine.)
-You look better then I thought you would. I didn't know what to expect. (I can't believe this came out of someone's mouth. What, because I took a shower and put on some nice clothes, that is a measure that I am doing ok. I guess she was expecting to see me writhing on the floor.)

This is my all time favorite because I get it almost daily: "How are you doing?" Some times the person will even preface the statement with something like, "I know this is a stupid question but..how are you doing?" Well, you should have stopped right there, if you know it is a stupid question then why are you asking it. I mean really, do you think I am going to spill my guts to you in the middle of P&C or at the post office. And really are you ready for the honest answer because most of the time the truth is not that pretty and that is not what people are looking for. The whole thing is painful, messy and wrecked with emotions that are so powerful the person being asked usually says I'm ok or I'm fine, because socially we don't want to make the other person feel awkward or uncomfortable. The whole thing is so backward and strange.

Now, if you are reading this and feel bad that you have done or said one of these things to me. Don't worry, I am not upset at anyone personally. This has been an eye opener for me. And I know what bothers me might not bother someone else. Everyone is different. But I guess what I am getting at is that when sadness, anger, grief etc.... is expressed it makes people uncomfortable and uneasy and they want to do something to make it all better, to put it in some little box and move on the the next thing. It just doesn't work like that.

Pictures

I braved the cold today so the dogs could get some exercise. They needed it, practically exploding from the car upon arrival. It was actually a nice morning. The sun was shining and it was 23 degrees. A heat wave of sorts. You have to be from here to understand it. It was a much nicer day then yesterday. I swore in the car that I wasn't making another trip to NYC until I witnessed green grass. I have had enough of late trips home in the dark and in bad weather. I have unpacked and put my suitcase away for a bit.





Yummy birthday cake. Maja entered her "late twenties" on Sunday. It was great to be there in Racine for the festivities.

I am still feeling a bit insecure about my short hair. I think I might make me look like I have chubby cheeks.

Maja and Alissa are being naughty about this particular birthday gift.

Maja and roommates at Cheesecake Factory.

Wednesday

This is me on Wednesday, sitting in Ethan's apartment, waiting patiently for the person to come and measure the kitchen and bathroom. They were supposed to be here at 3 and it is now almost 4. I am not a fan of tardiness. I had my interview this morning and then was soaked by the continual down pour as I tried to get back to midtown. So, I am not looking all that great at this moment. Hopefully they get here soon.

Super Bowl Sunday

It was a good Sunday. The dogs all got to got for a 3.5 mile walk around the golf course. They were completely wired. Grady was running around like a mad man, racing back and forth, sliding everywhere on the ice that was below a thin dusting of newly fallen snow. It was actually beautiful with all the ice coating the trees and light puffy flakes falling as I was walking. Very quiet and peaceful for a Sunday morning. Then it was back home to watch a few unseen episodes of What not to Wear. I LOVE that show. Every time I watch it, I say I really want to be nominated. Then usually my mom and cousin tell me that I would never qualify and that I won't want to give up my current clothes and that I would never be able to replace what I currently have with 5000 dollars. I know that deep in my heart but Stacy and Clinton always do such a good job with the people that go on.
Anyway, then i decided it was time for the brown heads to get a shower. They hadn't had one since before Christian died and after smelling them recently it was definitely time. Doggie bath time was always Christian's thing for some reason. Perhaps it was because he had the man strength to keep them still in the utility sink in our downstairs bathroom. Well, it was some what easier here since I can walk them right into the shower and close the door and they are trapped. Shower made easy! It was quite a time but the outcome has yielded puppy like smells. So much better then doggie BO. So the following are some pics of the before, during and after.

Preshower...

During.....I'm trapped!

After....still very damp but clean and shiny.


To finish up the day the Giants won in a great game. The NE Pats were not such good losers. Then a new episode of House aired! It was a good day.